A few months have passed since our divisional banquet, but we, the Colorado Region BoD, felt that we would be remiss to allow the event to pass without some acknowledgement of the event’s significance as the capstone for the 2009 season.
That task, it seems, has fallen to my humble self, either due to my colleagues’ immeasurable respect for my Posey-esque scribbling in previous editions of Redline, or perhaps due to my being the last to say “Not-it”, when the idea was posed and volunteers were sought.
So, being as yours truly is perhaps the least-intrepid cub reporter to ever (dis)grace the pages of Redline, let me offer my entirely official, carefully researched and validated account of the 2009 Awards banquet and Divisional Convention, the veracity of which I will swear on my mother’s grave. Wherever that ends up being. With apologies to Douglas Adams:
- The event started slightly late, and out of habit, the radios were blamed for this.
- Devoid an assigned venue, the Time Trialers rallied in the bar downstairs to discuss the future of the program in response to the then-hot topic of the TT/PDX’s program’s continued presence at club racing weekends, in response to Bob Stream’s monthly edition of “Soldiers in White”. Options were solemnly discussed, and beers were not-so-solemnly consumed.
- In keeping with TT philosophy, the merit of each participant’s suggestions were judged not by how many beers they completed, but by how quickly they could consume each one.
- Autocrosser cum time-trialer cum road racer cum board member cum absentee board member Nine Fingers Barclay presided over the discussion, with board member Jake Latham in attendance to bring up the average finger count, and with newly seated board member Mark Baer also in attendance, for his part solemnly trying to figure out how to get back at his good buddies Jake and Grant for dragging him into this.
- Ultimately, two conclusions were reached. First, that TT would contact Bob’s younger brother from the North – Kris Kringle Stream — to hopefully perform a curmudgeon-ectomy, and secondly, that not nearly enough beer was forthcoming from the bar.
- Later in the evening, as the awards banquet begun, everybody gathered upstairs for cocktail hour, drinks, storytelling, and camaraderie. A few true statements about racing were overheard, but these came from a new club member so nobody held it against him.
- Unable to attend due to being in “England” to visit his “daughter”, Pat Holmes’ twin brother, Don (of Don’s Body Shop) appeared in lieu, and remarked at what a nice group of folks this seemed to be. For those of you unfamiliar with the brothers, you can easily discern Don from Pat, as only Don can be seen wearing shoes and long pants instead of flip flops and banana hammocks.
- Clay Turner was awarded the duplicate honor of being not only “Best Dressed” but also the only man in the division whose shoes are more expensive than his race car.
- Stymied by inclement weather, several people who had registered turned around and went home. Owing to the fact that this group is, after all, one of the only groups that should be out on the roads in snowy weather, it was – in a show of solidarity heretofore unseen within the SCCA – voted unanimously by all attendants at the banquet that any of the soy-milk-swilling pansies who turned around due to the snow would be forced to run the first 2010 event wearing a pink tutu.
- On the road racing side of the house, the wings-and-things drivers sat together and got along nicely. The small bore formula guys sat together and got along nicely. The prod car guys sat together and got along nicely. The Spec Miata guys sat together, and the hotel sent us a rather large bill for the ensuing damages.
- Proving that autocrossers are faster than road racers, the Solo banquet was done a full hour before the road racers, and without any of them having seen the inside of the banquet room beforehand. The only complaint from the participants was that they wished they’d gotten more stage time.
- Whilst making a pit stop late in the going, Karl McColl turned in too early for the restroom, contacted the wall, and was treated for a broken nose, bruised pride, and a blown apex seal.
- Kevin Carter was the only person at the event audacious enough to actually eat the atrocious food, and was treated to a blown rear diff approximately twelve hours later.
- Jake Latham was overheard discussing plans to go to June Sprints in 2010, and in retaliation, his trailer tires had removed all air from themselves by the time he got home.
- RE and stunt lawyer Joe Gilmore stormed the dais and held the audience at microphone-point until finally being jointly subdued by a 1980’s skiing jacket from an individual identified only as “The G-Man” and Tommy Boileau, who artfully displayed precisely how to wield a lead foot, just so.
- Animal fell asleep in his chair during the latter part of the awards banquet, and after carefully placing standing yellows in his belt loops, jokester Jim Leithauser shaved Animal’s beard, only to discover that under the beard, Animal is actually only 4’2” and 81 pounds. A surface flag was displayed in mourning.
- After the conclusion of the event, at which a good time was had by most, the first winter event of 2010 was held in the hotel parking lot, taking the form of an oval track drift race around the snowy overhang.
- This event was cut short after all participants were black flagged due to being 1dB over sound limits. As usual.
- I have not been able to verify this as with the above, but evidently there were some meetings held in large stuffy meeting rooms, in which earnest (and solemn) discussions were held about important and complicated stuff related to racing and the regions. I can only dismiss that as rumor, hearsay, and heresy, however.
- No stewards were harmed in the creation of this article, but I’m new, so don’t hold that against me.